To love me is to love my dark side....

So I have come to discover that a blog would be a good way to vent. Talk about  my frustrations, my anger, and just let loose. As for my title. To love me is to love my dark side. Everyone has one. Doesn't matter how religous you may be, how oh so in love you may be, or how perfect your life may be. Crap happens. Not everyone can have an ear to ear grin on a daily basis unless you are the fakest person ever. So here we go. Overall I do have a good life and I admit this. I have found the love of my life. We will be married 5 years in October. He was truly a blessing to me. He saved me from a life that was just not good for me and I will forever be thankful to him. He deserves a lot of credit because I am not the easiest person to get along with. I have a terrible temper, angry quite often, and am damaged. Thus, my dark side. And he loves me even so. I can trust him, which is not an easy thing for me. Like I said I am damaged. I have had some terrible relationships in the past. I have been cheated on. I have been thrown into a wall. And I have been taken advantage of. But, I was stupid. Would do just about anything to feel like someone cared about me, even at the cost of a friendship. Which is something I regret to this day. I lost some very special friends. I have never been the most confident person.  So to have someone give me any type of attention, good or bad, just trapped me. So back to my wonderful husband, Ben. Without him I would be lost. We have our fights, sure. But, we get through them and that is what counts. And I am here to tell you, the first few years of marriage are hard. Very hard. Now, this far into our marriage we have run into the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Infertility. We have been trying to have a child since May of 2011. I have been on fertility medicine every month since this...no results. I have polycystic ovarion syndrome. Short term, I don't ovulate. Now, this takes a toll. Its extremely hard to deal with. I cry. Alot. I get my hopes up only to have them shot down month after month after month. And the hardest part of it all is knowing that this wonderful man who chose to spend his life with me came into a marriage not knowing that he may never be a father. Now, we still have options. I can still continue meds, do IVF. But I can't help but wonder, am I really that bad of a person? Am I so terrible that God doesn't feel that I would be a good mother? After all, people who can't provide for their children, people who abuse their children, and people who just don't want their children can get pregnant everyday. But me, forget it. Unless you have dealt with this then no you don't understand so please don't try to sympathize. All I need is an occasional ear, someone to listen. Not someone to tell me it will happen when the time is right, that it is in God's hands, that maybe it just isn't meant to be. I refuse to believe that. Contrary to what people may believe, I have a big heart. I love with everything I have. I would do anything for someone I love, friend or family. But, yes I am an angry person. And I feel I have every right to be angry. I have been dealt a hard hand. Not that I beleieve I am the only one, I know there are people with much worse lives and problems but that doesn't make mine any less important. Now, I may not handle situations as best I could. I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish I could wake up with a smile on my face every day but I don't. Knowing that I have someone to come home to that loves me unconditionally is what gets me through my day. And I want to be a better person for him, for us. He loves me whether I can give him a child or not. But it doesn't change the fact that I want us to experience parenthood together. And I pray that we overcome this. It seriously does shake your faith to the core.

So, you have seen part of my dark side. And it can get pretty ugly. It always has been, but it is something I am working on. So I will use this blog to vent mostly, and if anyone can get anything out of this then I guess that is a plus. Thanks to my friend Dana, who I am happy to be back in touch with, for suggesting a blog. Since she truly understands what I am going through. It helps to get it all out, even if it is just typing something that no one may ever read. So to anyone that does read this all I can say is keep me in your thoughts.

Goodnight all :)