Good weekend, Good friends, Good times.

This weekend was a first. We went deep sea fishing for the first time ever, and while it was fun, we hardly caught anything. Went with some friends which made it better. It was all in all a relaxing weekend, which after the week of hell I just had, was a blessing. Work is just continuously getting worse. There are only so many things you can take, things that a person should never HAVE to take. I am called names, I am yelled at, I am degraded and talked down to. As a kid I was in a way bullied. Now granted I did not take as much heat as many kids do today. I feel for these kids. As a teenager I was made fun of. My worst memory is being 'mooed' at, yes as in cow moo, when I would walk into the classroom. I would come home and cry, never dare saying a word to anyone. Hiding my pain everyday. Not knowing if my friends were 'true' friends. Well turns out alot of them weren't. Point of this story, I feel like I am in high school again. Being bullied, at my workplace. You wonder why I am angry and why I am so guarded. Well, here is your answer. Because people suck. People who get their joys out of other peoples pain. Now I am back to coming home crying, absolutely beyond miserable. But just like I couldn't quit high school, I can't quit work. So my only other option, look for something else. Which isn't easy, I am not good with change. But this is most definitley a change that I need. And hopefully will have soon.

Ben and I went to a new MD last week. Was basically told that the fertility meds aren't working and our only other option will be going to a fertility clinic. Which I was wanting so badly to avoid. So, I think we have decided to just relax and take a break from it all until after our cruise which is in February. I am so tired of shedding tears over it. I am so tired of my poor Ben having to console me over it because he handles things so much better than me. I wish I could be as calm and relaxed as he is. But, given my personality, not even meds can ever get me to that level.

This weekend was helpful. I got spend time with Ben, away from this place. Just doing something fun and not worried, and to my surprise no anxiety which I seem to have had a lot of lately. We went with some friends. Ben's friend Mike and his girlfriend Kristy. Very happy they are back together :) Kristy is such a sweet person and just full of happiness. And a true friend, someone I can talk to, is something I look for. It helps to have positive people around me given what I go through during the week. Maybe her positivity will rub off on me :)

Now unfortunatley I am back in reality. Praying to God that something gives soon because I honestly do not know how much more I can take. A nervous breakdown is on the herizon if there aren't some changes quick. Anxiety sucks. Depression sucks. And I want to be rid of it all. My husband, my parents, and my handful of friends that I can count on just one hand, oh and my doggies and kitty :),  are the only things that get me through it all. Now I realize this blog will be pretty repetitive, but its what helps me. Very few people will even have access to this and with good reason. This is the only time I will probably ever open up. This is the only way to see behind the act. I will complain about the same things and wish for more for my life. Wish to be in a happier place. Wish to be a better me. Wish to one day have everything I ever wanted. The start was my wonderful Ben, who again, without I would be in a much darker place. What the future holds I don't know, but I can only hope that it is something extraordinary.

Night loves. XoX